Today I had the pleasure of interviewing office workers for the ABRS (Australian Bureau of Random Statistics), to ask about their interior design. I’m not sure why the government needs to know about this stuff, but I guess that’s why we’re the department of random statistics. First, I got in contact with a man named Fredrick Billions, CEO of Billions Inc., who was kind enough to tell me all about his office.
“Despite the company’s name, we don’t actually have that much money. We definitely try to make it look like we do, though. You know what they say, ‘dress to impress’. We took the same attitude into designing our office. There are plenty of great commercial design businesses in Melbourne, but we chose one that could give us gold furniture, carpet and walls. None of it is actually gold, of course. We couldn’t afford that. But with the lights dimmed, you can hardly tell the difference.”
Next, I was fortunate enough to speak with the head of MEGACORP, who talked through odd hisses, and I thought I could hear some buzzing in the background. It’s possible he had a lisp.
“Yes, I can talk to you about our office’s design. It is quite a simple one, but we arranged for a business that does commercial fitouts near Melbourne to provide towers filled with flies. Once an hour we release the insects into the office, which gives my employees a wonderful snack and morale boost. You should speak with the leader of ULTRACORP, though. They have such an interesting office space.”
I gave them a quick call but didn’t want to spend too much of their time. This interview was short but insightful.
“Our office is designed for premium comfort. Not because we’re weird or anything, but because a lot of us have special needs. Once again, ULTRACORP has no affiliation with anything strange of any kind. Don’t believe any rumours that state otherwise. And definitely do not look up what ULTRACORP stands for. Thank you.”
So there you have it, people. The various office designs of Melbourne!