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Offices of Melbourne

Today I had the pleasure of interviewing office workers for the ABRS (Australian Bureau of Random Statistics), to ask about their interior design. I’m not sure why the government needs to know about this stuff, but I guess that’s why we’re the department of random statistics. First, I got in contact with a man named …

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Random Windows

Things are always changing around here, at the Melbourne base of the Elders of the Internet. Our main group still lives in London, protecting the box that controls the internet, but a few of us had the compulsion to come to Australia. As our the first rule of our order is living a life in …

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Private Printing

I’m really glad I can do my printing in privacy now because it was getting pretty stressful. The things I get printed off at work are quite sensitive, and I’d get in a lot of trouble if I was seen using the company printing funds for personal purposes. But now that all of the windows …

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I Stand Out

It’s hard to miss me in a crowd. I would seriously even go as far as to say that I stand out. I’m six-foot-four, I have long red hair and I am absolutely covered in tattoos.  Believe me, when I say covered, I mean completely covered. Head-to-toe. I have hundreds of multi-coloured little pictures and …

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Building My Castle

I think it’s time I upgraded my lair. You can only survive as an evil scientist in a treehouse for so long before the other supervillains start laughing at you. I had to politely decline my invitation to Villain Con, stating that I was busy “tending to my vast army of venomous cats”, which was …

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Magical Careers Advice

Last night I was watching my favourite movie series, “Boy With the Lightning Scar”, where a bunch of kids get sent off to magic boarding school, and I started wondering what their career days must be like. Do they have universities in the magic world? I haven’t heard any mention of them, so the students …

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Sleeping With Heat

  I think it might be time for an upgrade. This summer, I’ve been fighting the heat with a single fifteen-year-old fan. It’s served me well, but I’ve got to be honest, it’s almost useless on a forty-degree day and the night that follows it. Some nights I can’t even get to sleep. It’s an …

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Gamer Fellow

I’ve sold plenty of cars before, but I’ve never heard of a certificate for them. My new girlfriend reckons I’m being dodgy, selling cars without them. But like, this is the real world, not primary school! What does the car need some stupid participation award for anyway? “Charlotte pays great attention in class and is …

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Fighting the heat

What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? Before today, I don’t think I could have told you mine. If I had one, it’s been replaced by a new worst decision. Nothing else even comes close to it. Today I decided to go for a hike. That’s the thing about this country. In the morning, you’ve …

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Peas? No Peas…

Last Christmas, I made my feelings on peas very clear. Mum poured them onto my plate, as she does every year. I then picked up the plate, looked her dead in the eye, tossed the contents out of the window and said, in my most serious tone: “Peas was never an option.” It’s one of …

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